The tragedy in Newtown, CT has stopped the hearts of so many and has sent our country into mourning. Most can't fathom what the parents of those lost are going through right now. There will come a day, when life has moved on and they discover there is no going back to normal but learn to live with a new normal.
But that's not their reality right now.
They will laugh again.
The day will come when they get through the day without crying.
There will come a day when they can say their child's name and smile.
They will be able to look at pictures/videos and remember without tears.
But the holidays, their birthdays and the day they passed will never be the same.
So what is their reality right now?
I an a writer who has felt this pain and still I have no words to describe it.
Breathing is a chore.
The idea of eating makes you nauseous.
They pray for sleep, search it out, if for no other reason than to escape their reality.
Movement is painful. Just lifting a limb takes effort.
Even if they are surrounded by loved ones, they might feel very alone. Many loved their child, but no one knows the loss like the mother and father.
The desire to wake up from this nightmare is so strong, there may be mornings when, for a few precious seconds, they believe it was just a nightmare.
Guilt. No matter how irrational.
They will have loved ones come to them and say kind, yet meaningless words. I don't mean this to sound harsh. When we see our loved ones suffering, we want to do or say anything to take some of the pain away.
Don't. You can't, so don't try.
Don't say they have to be strong for their other children. The parent is mourning for the child they lost. Let them mourn. You want to help? Hug their other children. Comfort them. Because Mommy and Daddy might not be able to.
It doesn't matter if this is God's will. Don't try to rationalize.
Saying the child is with Jesus (or whatever their personal belief) does not help. One day it might. All that matters right now, is that child is not with them.
Do not say they can always have more children. Yes, it's been said. And NO it does not help. You can never, ever replace a child. EVER.
You want to know what to say?
"I'm sorry."
Cry with them. Hug them, And say you're sorry. That's it.
Don't ever forget the child they lost. If they had 3 children before the tragic event, don't say they have 2 children now.
Some grieving parents want to be left alone. Some want to be surrounded by people who loved their child. Whatever their choice, respect it.
Everyone grieves differently. Do not assume you know. Even I, who have been through this, can't tell you how everyone will react.
Don't put a time limit on their grief. Yes, people do this. It's been fourteen years since I lost Brandon and when people ask,
"How long did it take to move on?"
my answer always is,
"Any day now."
And it doesn't matter the child's age, or how he or she passed. Whether it be in a tragedy like the one on Friday, an accident or a long battle with illness, nothing eases the pain but time.
But that's not their reality right now.
All I can do is pray that these parents find the comfort I eventually did. I cry for them. Feel physical pain in my heart. I can't look at the pictures of the children lost being posted on Facebook. I just can't. And I know many of you feel the same way.
"So Mommy and Daddy, don't cry and wipe away that tear, for remember I'll be spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year"
